Reflections From Jade part 1 of 2
by Marie S Zachary
Summary: Jade reflects on her relationship with Beck


I don't own Victorous. Just the idea

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><p>This story is dedicated to awsnapcheerio<p>

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><p>I am not a nice person. I can be a bitch at times and I can act extremely hurtful even when I love a person. It was never easy for me to trust. Every time I act mean it brings me to tears. I don't know why I act that way. I think it may be because of the way I grew up. I was never loved unconditionally by my parents. My sister loved me unconditionally. But even she would get fed up with me at times. I can remember a few times when Ava and I fought and she said some things that were really upsetting. Of course she apologized but it still affected me.<p>

Beck was the first person and probably the only person who ever truly loved me. The one time I was afraid his love had ended he made it clear that I was completely off base. I had said something to Tori that he considered mean. It wasn't me being mean. It was me trying to empathize with her. A few seconds after this whole thing had occurred he came and sat down next to me. I thought he was gonna get mad or something. Instead he surprised me by saying that when he looks at me he sees the girl he loves because I **am **the girl that he loves. I asked him why he said what he said. He told me that he saw something was bothering me and that he wanted to make sure I was alright. He knew I hated having private conversations in front of other people. Man he knows me so well. I think we spent 5 and a half hours talking that day. Beck always loved me. I mean it. Even after I cheated he never once held it against me. He knew how hard it was for me to trust and when he found out he said "I know you are testing me to see if I still love you and I want you to know **nothing **will stop me loving you. That was the end of the discussion. Beck was always and still is the person that is calm and in control. Whenever I get mad he doesn't say a word about it. He understand that I feel out of control at that point. After one particular instance I remember asking him; and I was actually crying when I did, how he could love me when I'm such a bitch. He told me firmly that I was not a bitch. I was human and because I was human it's normal for me to have moments where I lose my cool. It actually was probably the sweetest thing anyone ever said. I loved him at that point more then I had ever loved anyone before. He once said that he would wait forever for a moment with me. I asked him why. He paused for a few minutes and then answered, "Because you're worth it". Beck actually think's I'm worth it.

I think of all the times he could have gotten mad at me. I was never justified in getting mad but he would have been so many times. He never got mad. He never held my mistakes against me. He loves me with a love so pure it just makes my heart break. He always listened to my feelings and thoughts and rants and raves. As many times as I've messed up was as many times as he's forgiven me.

He claims it's not forgiveness. He claims that in order to **forgive **you have to be angry in the first place. What did I do to get so blessed? What did I do that allowed him to love me. I don't see how I earned it. I once asked Beck if he was the best of the best. He asked me why I asked that and I explained that he had to be the best of the best in order to be able to love someone like me. He looked like he was going to slap me but instead he calmly told me **never **to disrespect myself like that again. He said talking like that about myself was unacceptable. I was beautiful both on the outside and on the inside. That was the closet he ever came to being angry with me. I still think that he's the best of the best.

I have really gone over the top at times. I have hurt him. He never hurts me back. I have done horrible things. He says I'm just human. I don't deserve to be accepted. He **never **rejected me. Now I am standing looking at him. His big brown eyes are full of love and I know in his eyes I am safe. Still I have a moment of trepidation. What if I was just too much of a loser? What if I had acted in a way that I shouldn't have.

He looks at me for a second without saying a word then he rushes up to me and enfolds me in his arms.

"You love me," I whispered.

"You are my heart," he told me, "You are what keeps me going"

When I am with Beck I feel safe. When I am with Beck I feel whole. He waits for me until I am ready to know I belong and he never stops showing me I do. I tried so hard to push him away but he would never bite. He would never walk away. I even did the taboo thing. He acted as if I had burped in the middle of a restaurant or some other minor mistake. One of the most amazing things is that Beck sees me for who I am. He knows that I'm not a loser. He knows that I am worth it... even when I didn't know that. I didn't know what love was until I met Beck. He can hold me forever for he is in my heart.


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